This is an excerpt from christianblog.com:
Through our prayers, we are not setting out to change God's mind, or have Him redirect the course of His will. Rather, through the practice of earnest prayer, God changes us! The Lord uses prayer to align our wills with His, not His with ours. Prayer opens the door that allows us the view the righteous will of God. And when that will is not going in a direction we deem best, it is us, not God, that is out of align. Therefore, through the gentle and loving use of prayer, God can and does change our hearts and renew our will closer and more in line with His own good and perfect divine will.
So true. Today we were praying mom would be accepted by RIO. All our expectations about the future involved RIO as the next step in the process of healing. It's funny the mental games we play to make ourselves stay sane. I kept thinking- if she can just get into RIO it will all be ok. When that doesn't happen you fall apart. In reality, mom's condition is not worse. There's nothing to be sad about- in fact, she showed a little more strength & energy today- plus she ate some! BUT, because the PT didn't think RIO was the right next step, we felt all frantic and off course.
So what happened? We let go of RIO for now & started the process of evaluating other skilled nursing facilities where Mom can get rehab & graduate to RIO later when she's stronger. Unfortunately our first choice, Marquis Wilsonville, was booked, with a possible opening on Wednesday. The next best thing looked like a place in beaverton- near my dad & my offices. As we talked to the PT he encouraged us to be persistent about Marquis Wilsonville. He said sometimes those places can be creative in arranging a bed until a true "spot" opens up. Dad started talking about how cool it would be to get Mom in a wheelchair & take her for walks down to her own house for dinner. To show her her yard & flowers & home. He said he could build a ramp for the front steps & if she got scared or lonely in the middle of the night he could be there in three minutes flat. You tell yourself NOT to let this happen, but we set our sights on Marquis Wilsonville as the ONLY option.
Dad decided the best course of action would be to show up in person at Marquis & ask for them to make room for mom. He wasn't gone long. When he got off the elevator he saw Jo in the waiting room & snuck up on her to tickle her. When I asked how it went he said: "It's pretty hard to turn down a bawling 53 year old man." I guess when he got there to make his case he just broke down. It's funny how you can talk to 100 people you love each day about how mom's doing....but you talk to one stranger & you lose it. He explained he'd been in love with his wife since they were 13 and that he wanted to be able to be at her side in minutes if she needs him, and that they lived just down the street. So the plan is that on wednesday mom will come "home"- to Wilsonville. We are so, so excited.
So I guess the moral of today is that this morning I prayed because I wanted God to change his plans & get her into RIO. He didn't answer that prayer, but instead he changed our hearts to want something else for mom- and he delivered peace & contentment. I guess that's the ideal outcome of prayer- not to get "our way"- but to change our focus & try to align with god's plan...peace, contentment & hope aren't too shabby either.
Thanks for the prayers. I have my blackberry with me all day & the comments, texts, and facebook messages chime in like little digital hugs of encouragement. Did I tell you that I'm saving all the emails & comments so that in a while we can build mom a rehab book? I've always thought it is a shame that people wait to say such kind things about others until the person passes. In this case Mom's been given an extension & she'll get the chance not many people get- to realize the magnitude of impact she has had on others & just how large her fan club is. How awesome is that? If you want to email me notes or letters to her I'll make sure we read them to her in the near future. She's not quite ready yet for all this heavy emotion- she says it'll make her cry. But I think in the days ahead she'll appreciate these kind sentiments when she's feeling discouraged or frustrated.
The other great news today is her left leg is feeling stronger. The PT showed us some exercises to do w/her to improve her sensation & strenght. I smuggled in mcdonalds b/c she REFUSED to eat the spaghetti they served her for lunch. Oh. And she graciously tasted my mashed potatoes, but declared them too garlicky & wouldn't continue to eat them. She did eat almost half a 1/4 pounder & several fries. That's more than she's eaten in the last 5 days combined! Dad's smuggling in salami, crackers & cheese for her tonight.
I think the prayer request now is for mom's energy to continue to improve, and for us to get her into Marquis Wednesday. Actually I suppose based on what I said earlier, we should be praying that god's will be done & that we have the capacity to embrace it & be thankful even when things don't go how WE think they should.
Tonight we're planning on letting mom sleep alone in the hospital. I'm hoping she can get some rest & not feel too lonely. Today & yesterday I got to see mom laugh a few times. That is so wonderful. I wish I could remember what it was that I said to make her laugh. Tough to say when you're as funny and clever as I am. Could've been any number of things...