8.23.2010

Hell Hath No Fury...

...like the wrath of a mom whose child has just been woken by a dog barking at a knocking solicitor.

Grrr. Maybe I need a "no soliciting" sign. I just think they look so unwelcoming though. I was a girl scout once. I know what those signs mean. They mean: crotchety old people live here and even though you just hiked up two flights of uneven broken concrete stairs and through 3 cobwebs, we will not only NOT buy your stupid cookies, but we're not even gonna let you practice your sales pitch. GO HOME GIRL SCOUT.

Anyhow, the problem isn't so much the knock, it's that IF the dog (not the most discerning fellow to begin with) so much as suspects someone outside (creepy man, annoying sales guy, stray cat, errant squirrel, self reflection in the glass) is approaching the door, he loses it. COMES UNGLUED. Woe be it to anyone in his path. Sometimes I worry he'll fly through the front window glass! It remains untested just what he'd do to the person on the other side, but I suspect it would not be as much as that pesky paper man deserved on Saturday.

Picture this. You just ran 20 miles. With an elevation climb of over 1200 feet in total. It sounds like I'm making this up but I promise I'm not. I'm marathon training. Anyhow, you come home. Then go shower at your in-laws because your shower is not quite ready for use. Still. After 5 weeks. Ok, enough of that- it deserves it's own blog post. You love on your baby girl, then you put her to bed. Your husband has vacated the premises. You're sights are set on your book & bed, and a few blissful, heavenly hours of sleep. Then comes the knock. Intrusive. Unwelcomed. Simultaneously the dog levitates from a deep sleep on the couch, rips the cord out of both the laptop & the wall socket, and sounds the all dogs alert...right at the window outside your daughter's door.

I had half a mind to "let the dogs out" so to speak, but instead I made a great production of looking to be restraining a vicious attack dog & opened the door, scowling in such a way as to make a "no soliciting" sign look like a welcome mat by comparison. The guy steps back at Rucker's lunging advances, which makes me feel 1% better. I said, (still dramatically faking an attempt to hold back Rucker) THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME FOR ME. IS THIS AN EMERGENCY? He said, "Well, no..." I said: WHO ARE YOU WITH? He said: The Oregonian.

That was the nail in his coffin.

I said: I'M SORRY, I CANNOT TALK TO YOU. IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME. And with that, I closed the door. In his face. And then after the dog settled, I listened...and realized Jo was still sleeping. How she slept through that I'm not sure. I thankfully tip toed to bed for a nap.

After my nap, I awoke to find THIS in my front yard:
Don't get me wrong. I know where I live. I live in Milwaukie. As shown clearly in this photo, we don't mow the lawn as often as we should, we have weeds, and quite obviously I have an aversion to picking the paper up off the ground in a timely manner. BUT I DID NOT WANT AN OREGONIAN BOX AFFIXED TO MY ARBOR!

That's the screw in my post, I guess.

Oooh I was so mad. It isn't screwed on straight. I didn't want a big yellow box on my white fence. The nerve of that guy! I called customer service & complained. They'll be by shortly to remove this eyesore. I told them to tell the guy NOT to bother knocking to announce himself. Just take your 4 screws and yellow box & go away.

Meanwhile I'm drafting the verbiage for my un-"no soliciting" sign. This is what I've got so far:

1. Despite all traditional conventions and culturally instilled instincts: DO NOT KNOCK ON THIS DOOR.
2. If you know us, call my cell* & announce yourself so that we can:
a) confirm we want to see you
b) determine if the child is sleeping, and if so, lock up the dog

3. If you do not know us...

a) are you selling** something? If so, go away. Go on now. Hurry up.

b) did your car break down & you need to come in & use my phone to call for help? Nice try. I know what's up. I'm not falling for that one, creep.

c) if my house is on fire, please knock. I know how I carried on about NOT knocking in point 1, bug fires & flood are exceptions. Knock. I promise I won't be mad.

*If you know us, you call, we don't pick up AND both our cars are there, then you've caught us avoiding you.

**If in fact you are selling girl scout cookies, and you've got something besides those gross tre-foil shortbread kind, go ahead & knock. I wouldn't trade a barking dog & crying baby for a oregonian box, but it's a fair trade for thin mints.

3 comments:

rickandlindafamily said...

You might be the funniest person I know. But since you're marathon training I won't elaborate. Been there. Done that.
Linda

Patty & Jack said...

OMG! he should be fired!

Anonymous said...

This is the second best thing that I have ever read. Second only to the post just ahead of this one, about your running gals. How have I not gotten caught up on your blog for so long?!

You tell 'em, Michelle! :)

Stephanie