Tonight I overheard Luke talking to his friend Robert, who is going to be a daddy sometime in the next 2 weeks. It will be Robert's first baby, so he called Luke for some tips. I only regret not staking out the conversation more carefully. In between cooking dinner, here's what I heard Luke say. And I'm NOT making this up. You might think, "Oh Michelle, Luke didn't REALLY say that, you're just trying to be funny." And while I may sometimes take minor liberties in my account of real life events, these quotes are 100% accurate:
"It's not go time when you think it is. If the water breaks you don't need to rush to the hospital because then you'll just be sitting there all day."
---Right, because all labors are exactly 24 hours in duration and there is no variation, and under no circumstances are children ever born in cars or on freeways with men driving cars at a leisurely pace while the wife screams at him to hurry up.
"If you're going to get an epidural, just do it. Don't try & do it natural and suffer through 4 hours of pain before finally giving up. Michelle made me go to all these kum-baya birth classes & we had to watch videos and practice mediation & all that crap, and after 3 hrs (with Jo) she was dropping f-bombs & demanding the epidural."
---Yes I did make Luke go through a natural child birth class when we were prego with Jo. But I held out for TWELVE hours, and only dropped 1 f-bomb. Baylor's birth was much quicker, and there were no f-bombs.
"They lose their sense of humor when they're in labor, but after the epidural you can pretty much say whatever you want."
----Ok, that one is accurate.
"Is she having any contractions? Oh good! Well that means you're getting close!"
---Yep. Totally true. If you're having contractions your child could arrive anywhere between 30 minutes from now and 6 months. I guess "CLOSE" is relative?
"You know the saying, 'Don't tell me about the labor pains, just show me the baby'? That seems like it would fit but it doesn't go over real well."
I really, really wish I could tell you how Luke described the female anatomy while the baby is being delivered, but I cannot. That would be entirely inappropriate, and way too graphic. Luke is so grossed out by this process that he sat in the chair at the head of the bed behind his mom, who faithfully held my hand and encouraged me while pushing. Luke is super unimpressed with the miracle of life.