Why I'm the Most Efficient Person You Know

Some people are efficient so they can maximize their output. In general, I'm efficient so I can maximize the amount of time I am able to lounge on the couch sipping beer after the kids go to bed. My goal every day is to get to the point where I find myself swathed in elastic banded clothing sinking into the couch with the tv on, lights off, blue moon in one hand and plate of cookies in the other. That is the moment each day that I love my children the most, I am most grateful to God, and I am most content and peaceful.

People are always like, "Michelle. You're so amazing. Never a hair out of place (the advantage of a pony tail), nary a wrinkle in your clothes (cotton+dryer=never have to iron). How do you do it all? What are your secrets to success?" I get tired of having to answer that so often, so I thought I'd write it all out and just direct people who want to be more like me to my blog. (lest even ONE friend or family member overlook my sarcasm I'll be clear here: I'm joking. No one says this to me).

1. Whenever possible I blow dry my hair with two hair dryers at the gym. Efficiency gain: 100%
2. I have an extra tooth brush in the shower so I can brush my teeth in the morning while I shower. So smart.
3. I keep floss in the car for red lights.
4. Every night I pack my gym bag & prep the coffee machine for the next day. Not abnormally original, but it helps.
5. I ONLY fold my shirts & pants. If it is work out clothes, pj's, any athletic wear, socks, it goes in bins. This will make at least two of my sisters break out in hives.
6. I have had arguments with my running girls on this, but I swear I'm right. I let the clean laundry pile up in baskets until they're all full. Then I dump them all on the bed and fold in one giant massive whirlwind. I am convinced this is more efficient than small batches. You should see me sort. I do it with two hands. Then I fold.
7. My hold on the sock drawer used to be rather tenuous. I am not the type to pair socks and finding a match in the morning used to give me heartburn. I had an epiphany and bought a ton of the same women's & men's socks. I threw out any non-conformers. It felt SO good. Then earlier this week I saw something in the laundry basket that made me stop in my tracks. BLACK non-conforming sports socks. It might as well have been foreign female undergarments. I took the evidence and wagged it in Luke's face. "What is THIS?" He said, "Wolverine socks. They're good for your feet." "Not good for my sock drawer," I said. He pointed out that 8 black socks would hardly impede my ability to find two matching white socks. Technically he is right, but I'm feeling a lot of noise coming from my sock drawer and I am fighting the urge to eradicate these
non-conformers. Plus, what good can come of black tube socks??? Nothing. Best case is Luke keeps his black socks under his pants. Worst case scenario they accompany shorts. Thank goodness he doesn't own any sandals.
8. The other day it was pouring outside, the kids were with me in their jammies, and I desperately needed medicine at Fred Meyer. I carried Baylor in my arms, put my purse on my shoulder, and had Jo hang on my neck on my back. I staggered into the store and didn't drop anyone.
9. I do my best multi-tasking at work. I work 30 hours a week but I'm pretty sure I get more done in 30 than most do in 40.
10. I feed my dog and cat the same food.
11. I only watch TV that is dvr'd so I don't have to deal with commercials.

That's how I [efficiently] roll.


Kate said...

Oh my gosh, this had me laughing so hard!! You are so funny!! I wish all of your efficiency would make you a more consistent blogger, because I could use some of this humor more often!!

Brianna said...

Feeding the dog and the cat the same food. As all the kids on FB are saying these days, mind = blown.

Anna said...

Reading this makes me miss my runs with you! Hopefully we can connect soon! BTW - I don't put my clothes away, just leave them in piles in my room, I mean I'm going to wear them again at some point right?