5.02.2013

Tips on Getting the Most Attention For Your Efforts (for Jack)

Jack is consistently dismayed at the amount of praise I get on facebook for our home improvement projects. I can't say I blame him.

Here's a project I did:

This project was technically quite complex.  I had to drive to Goodwill and find this blue vinyl stool.  Then I had to rip the vinyl off.  You can imagine the risk presented by all those old staples.  If I hadn't been careful I could have been poked.
POKED.
Then I had to trek to JoAnn's craft store.  If I remember right (the memories of this project are foggy- I think I am repressing them) it was a FRIDAY night when I went.  You do NOT want to mess with JoAnn's on a Friday night.  That is when all the married 30-something's with kids who are finally asleep and 20-somethings without boyfriends, descend on this craft mecca.  It is insane. Watch out for the cutting line.
Anyhow- once I got my fabric I had to use a dangerous [manually] powered [staple] GUN to affix the new fabric to the stool.  It was touch & go for a while.

So I post stuff like that on facebook, and get 18 likes in 2 minutes or something.

Jack, on the other hand, does things like THIS:

That is the front wall of his house- removed entirely so he can install a new window & patch his house. And though it's not like he had to brave JoAnn's on a Friday night or anything, it definitely didn't get the facebook praise it deserved.

The problem with Jack is that he's not properly advertising his work.  I should know this because:
a) I have a degree in marketing from an accredited university
b) I have perfected the art of brogging (that is bragging on your blog.  A word I made up. See, even the way I explained that was a brog.)

So I thought I'd give Jack a few pointers for getting maximum attention and glory for the least amount of effort.  Here goes nothing.

Rule 1: NEVER post a evidence of your father doing work.

Only post the picture of the final product- and leave people to assume you completed the project without the help of your father.


Rule 2: Use "BEFORE" photos that invoke TERROR and FEAR.  Here's Jack's "before" kitchen picture.  Maybe the colors are a little dated...but it is clean and in good order.  I feel like eating when I look at it- not throwing up.

My solution? Sprinkle mouse terds for maximum effect.


Rule 3: To properly impart the impression that you are a HARD worker, you must not appear clean.  If it looks like you're on a HGTV show, you're doing it ALL wrong:

If it looks like a paint can exploded on you, you're doing it right. Bonus points if you have paint globs in your hair that you carefully avoid washing out so that everyone thinks you're a super intense painter.


Rule 4: Buying salvaged doors, refinishing them, trimming them, and then HANGING THEM is a lot of work.

Instead, just slap some dirt on the wall (for your before picture) then some 409 (for the after picture), post them side by side & call it a day in 10 minutes.


Rule 5: Set the bar LOW.  Your efforts are much more impressive if you make it clear that you drink coffee, type on a keyboard all day, and are generally incompetent

vs being employed as a professional plumber.


Rule 6: Think outside the box when it comes to photo evidence.  For example- here's Jack holding a level to make sure the subway tile he's carefully measured, cut and set is perfectly straight.  BORING.

Instead, temporarily strap a kid on your back & pretend to be climbing a tall ladder with some sort of tool or weapon in your hand.


I'll close with this:

Jack, you too can experience facebook fame (amongst your relatively small network of friends online) by: using photos that exaggerate the results of your work, taking credit for things your dad did, or generally just looking dirty and paint-covered.  Sprinkle in some faux humility and impressive words (status update example: "Just salvaged some old growth beams and reclaimed hardware to whip up a custom routed fireplace mantel- no big deal") and  you'll be getting likes & comments all day long.  I also recommend developing a network of friends who are not artisan woodcrafters, professional plumbers, or otherwise employed handymen.  It is much easier to impress your friends if they're the sort that don't carry a 5 in 1 on their person at all times for removing caulking/nails/scraping paint on the go. Best of luck in your endeavors, brother.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

way to go mitch. i agree 100 percent!!!!!! you just made jack feel like he is your little brother. love you jack i know how hard you work and can really appreciate it. ooxx